Why 'I hate people' signals your unmet needs

Two licensed therapists say that frequently claiming to dislike people often masks deeper personal struggles. Emmalee Bierly, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and Lindsay Goldfarb, a licensed clinical social worker, both identify the phrase as a common defense mechanism. They argue that the sentiment serves as a shortcut to avoid examining one's own emotional state.

Bierly explains that the reaction is often a response to immediate pressure. She describes a scenario where a person faces a tense meeting, dinner obligations, and a vet appointment. In that moment, a minor bump in a store aisle triggers the thought, 'I hate everyone.' Bierly notes that this is easier than asking, 'what’s going on with me?'

Goldfarb, founder of The Sterling Group, says she would investigate the context behind such statements. She asks whether the comment follows a frustrating work day or a specific social interaction. She also considers if the feeling stems from rejection or social anxiety. Goldfarb emphasizes the importance of identifying what needs are not being met.

Bierly describes the outward blame as misdirected anger. She points out that the person who bumped into you in the store likely did not cause the day's stress. Instead, the issue is often the stressors themselves or a lack of boundaries. Bierly states, 'We turn our blame outward instead of venturing inside of what’s really going on.'

The clinicians agree that the thought itself is not inherently damaging. Bierly asserts, 'There are no bad thoughts.' She distinguishes between having the thought and letting it shape behavior. The problem arises when the statement becomes a narrative that dictates actions.

Bierly gives examples of problematic behaviors. She notes that stopping answering the phone or taking frustration out on others indicates the sentiment has integrated into a person's life. Goldfarb adds that this can lead to isolation and disconnection. They both suggest exploring the underlying reason is the first step to addressing the issue.

Goldfarb reminds listeners that humans are inherently social beings. She explains that this need for connection started as a survival instinct. She states, 'We needed other people to survive.' Even today, people derive self-worth and support from others. Bierly suggests that this does not mean talking to strangers. It may mean calling a friend, a parent, or hugging pets.

Bierly notes that most people who use these phrases do not actually believe them. She adds that for those who do, the thoughts are likely protective. Goldfarb reiterates that there is no such thing as a bad thought. However, both therapists warn that allowing an 'I don’t do people' attitude to dictate a life is a damaging choice.